Let me tell you about my first affair. Her name was The Sextant – a 30,000-square-foot restaurant in Newport Beach that consumed every waking moment of my life. My second affair? Heads Up Inc., a manufacturing company that grew to over 300 employees. Both relationships ended badly, and both nearly cost me my marriage.
Now, before you start wondering what kind of confession this is, let me be clear – I’m talking about allowing my work to become my mistress. And let me tell you, a business affair can be just as destructive to a marriage as any other kind.
Picture this: I’m at the office before dawn, returning home long after dark, convinced I’m doing it all for my family. Meanwhile, my wife Debbie is at home with our boys, living as if she’s a single parent. Sound familiar to anyone?
“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” – Matthew 6:21
The tricky thing about a business affair is that it masquerades as responsibility. It whispers, “You’re providing for your family.” “This is what successful people do.” “Just one more hour, one more deal, one more project.” And before you know it, your marriage is running on fumes.
I remember one evening, coming home late (again), expecting some kind of recognition for all my hard work. Instead, I found an empty, dark house. Debbie had taken our kids and pets and she went to her sister’s – without telling me. Why? Because I hadn’t been present enough to even deserve a heads-up.
That’s what happens when your priorities get scrambled. You think you’re building an empire, but you’re actually dismantling your home brick by brick.
Here’s the real kicker – I didn’t learn my lesson the first time. After The Sextant, I jumped right into another all-consuming venture with Heads Up. Different business, same story. I was giving my best time, best energy, and best attention to my work while leaving only the leftovers for my family.
Want to know what finally woke me up? The market crash of the late ’80s. Everything I’d built came tumbling down, and guess who was still there? Debbie. The very person I’d been neglecting was the one who stood by me when all my “success” turned to dust.
Looking back now, I can see the warning signs I missed:
- When your spouse stops sharing their day-to-day life because “you’re too busy”
- When date nights become a distant memory
- When your kids start acting surprised to see you at dinner
- When your conversations all revolve around work
- When you start believing your family “understands” your absence
Here’s what I’ve learned: Your spouse needs your presence more than your presents. Your family needs your attention more than your achievements. And no amount of success in business can compensate for failure at home.
Want to know if your work is becoming an affair? Try this quick test:
- Who gets your best energy – your job or your spouse?
- When was the last time you had an uninterrupted conversation with your partner?
- Do you know what’s currently happening in your spouse’s life?
- Are you more excited about your next business deal than your next date night?
If those questions make you uncomfortable, good. That’s the first step to making changes.
So what’s the solution? It starts with ruthless honesty. Admit where your priorities have slipped. Then take practical steps:
- Schedule date nights with the same commitment you give to business meetings
- Create boundaries around work hours
- Put your phone away during family time
- Start asking your spouse about their dreams, not just your own
Remember, no one lies on their deathbed wishing they’d spent more time at the office. But plenty wish they’d spent more time with their family.
Here’s my challenge to you this week: Have an honest conversation with your spouse about your priorities. Ask them – don’t defend, just listen – how they feel about the balance in your life. Then make one concrete change based on what you hear.
Share with me – what’s one step you’re going to take to put your marriage back at the top of your priority list? Let’s encourage each other to build successful marriages, not just successful careers.
After all, the most important merger you’ll ever manage is the one you made at the altar.